On my 18th birthday people gathered at a party to celebrate my coming of age. I was surrounded by friends and family and they all expected to see me manifest for the first time. I tried doing as they said, flexing, thinking watery thoughts but... nothing happened.
By the end of the day people where speculating that maybe we had my birthday wrong somehow. Leap year maybe? but my mother was there and quite insistent that it was 18 years ago to that day. Nothing happened.
So we went our seperate ways with people assuring me I would learn how to do it soon.
Weeks went by and... nothing happened. I was going through a bad phase, low due to failing to manifest. I was losing things all the time and accidentally hurting myself on things I was sure shouldnt be there. But still. Nothing happened.
It took months for anybody to notice the dark shimmer to the edge of my sillouette. At first my mother thought I was dirty from not washing. Thats pretty common with depression you see. Even cleaning yourself doesnt feel worth it. But when the sun caught my skin, meaning i was by a window, i never left the house at this point, the light was was vending slightly. making my skin look slightly black.
In a world of unusual powers my family assumed i had caught an unnatural plague. I was taken to a doctor and they tested me for damn near everything. Everything physical at least. They didnt have a damn clue. Nothing happened.
Slowly, the months turned into a year or two and the effect got worse. When I wasnt under bright lights you couldn't even see my features any more. I actually found it freeing. Who could judge me when they couldn't even see me? But it was lonely. And that just made it worse. Nothing happened.
My mother never gave up on me. She took me to 'experts' who did the same tests on me, and even the psychologists said I was 'just' depressed and to 'take this pill and he will get better' I think none of them wanted to work on a last cause like me. So nothing happened.
Then it seemed to jump forward. My eclipse became complete and I could only be seen by the outline of bright, distorted light surrounding the black hole of my absense. And we found where the missing things had been going. I had absorped them into my nothing. On that day more and more things i touched were drawn into my darkness never to be seen again.
It had been dawning on me for months what my element was. Nothing. The void. Absense.
And I was coming to embrace it. If it could just complete my tranaformation. If i could just.... end it all. I would be free. So i started letting go. and the effect got worse. The things in my room dissapeared one by one but I didnt care. Then the walls and the door started to be pulled in, and I still didn't care. I wanted this nothing. Just, let it be over.
I knew nobody could touch me now. Nobody could even come near me. I must be ripping my parents house apart, but I didn't care.
Until a hand grabbed me. And pulled me into a hug. My mum always gave the best hugs. She was sobbing. She never gave up on me. She climbed through my silent maelstrom to get to me.
And thats when the thought crystalised, if i just give up, it will break my mums heart.
It wasn't much but it was enough. I fought back the thoughts of nothing and held on to that truth.
I can't die, it would make mum sad.
.....
And that is the reason I am here talking to you today, and not nothing. The darkness has receeded and, as you can see, i am doing a little bit better.
The groups of strangers clapped and he saw some understanding in their eyes. Their stories had been very different, but in many ways the same. It was still just a start, but talking helped.
He smiled. He still had to fake it but he knew, one day it would be real. As long as he kept on trying.
No comments:
Post a Comment